By Stephenie Craig
This time of year can bring uncomfortable feelings and can exacerbate pre-existing mental health struggles. While some people are decorating and celebrating, others are experiencing loss, depression, loneliness, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. When someone you care about is struggling, it can feel difficult to move toward them in support. At times, we might avoid people, because we aren’t sure how to be helpful and have fears we will say or do the wrong thing.
While mental health challenges aren’t new, we are living in a post pandemic, social media driven world that has seen a significant and non-discriminating rise in mental health struggles over the last several years. Now, everyone knows someone coping with emotional discomfort that creates significant life disruption. We can all benefit from basic tools for providing healthy support to those around us.
Things NOT to do when supporting others:
Don’t avoid. People who are struggling want to feel seen and understood. When we avoid engaging, we unintentionally send a message that people are only acceptable when they aren’t struggling. Those struggling with mental health often feel a sense of shame regarding their struggles and isolation isn’t helpful.
Don’t try to fix the person or the struggle. Mental health struggles are legitimate and complex. It is not as simple as thinking more positively, worrying less, or getting more exercise. The suffering of others can be uncomfortable and can stir up our problem solving instincts because we want things to be better. However, those struggling need to know you care, you see them, and you value them regardless of their struggles.
Don’t take emotional responsibility for the person’s struggle. We want to be present and encouraging while also recognizing the person struggling has authority over how they want to manage their struggle. No one can be responsible for changing another’s emotional state or keeping another person from harming themself. We can take steps to be caring but if we are beginning to feel like the person’s struggle is our struggle, it’s time to increase emotional boundaries.
Don’t judge. It’s easy to assume that we might do something different, however, each person navigates struggles with their available tools and energy. Judgment and shame typically produce more of whatever exists rather than bringing about change.
Things TO do when supporting others:
Reach out consistently. People struggling with mental health often find it difficult to keep up relationships when they are spending significant energy managing their emotional/physical state. Often, this is not about a lack of value for relationships but about a state of overwhelm. Call, text, send a note in the mail, send a care package, bring a meal, invite the person for coffee, ask if you can come by for a visit, offer to do a load of laundry, babysit, sit with the person, ask questions about their experience and be present.
Encourage seeking additional support. A support system needs to have multiple people and components to be effective. It is not healthy to be someone’s only support person. Be supportive while encouraging the person to also seek counseling, a support group, faith support or medical support. You can encourage, however, it is the person’s choice to follow through on seeking additional support.
Use words of affirmation. Try reminding the person what positive traits you see in them. Tell them about ways they have been a good friend, ways you see they make a contribution, ways they matter in the world, ways they matter to you.
Provide empathy and validation. Try reaching for how it might feel to be in their shoes. Communicate with words and actions that you see they are having a hard time, you care about them, and you are seeking to understand their experience. “It makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed.” “It seems like you’re working really hard to feel better and not sensing progress and that is really frustrating.”
Involve others when needed. When someone is talking about suicide whether directly or indirectly, it is important to help connect the struggling person with helpful resources such as the suicide hotline (dial or text 988) and the ER for additional support for staying physically safe. If the struggling person is a minor, it is important to involve safe adults in the process.
These tips are a beginning. Continuing to educate ourselves about healthy ways to support others makes a difference in the lives of individuals and in communities. As you move through the holidays, intentionally be aware of others who might be struggling and extend some love and support where possible. Connect with us along your journey at journeybravely.com.
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