By Stephenie Craig, Journey Bravely
When did you last want something in a relationship and instead of speaking up, you hoped the other person would read your mind? Maybe you wanted someone to plan a birthday surprise or you wanted a quiet dinner. Maybe you wanted someone to know how to show up for you in a time of loss or to know how you like to be cheered up when you’re feeling low. You knew what you wanted but it felt hard to ask.
While a small group of people can be skilled at predicting what others need some of the time, most people do not possess this skill set. Largely, people learn what you need when you tell them directly. It is an unhelpful myth that mind reading is a green relationship flag or getting your needs met by asking is somehow less valuable or less connecting. In fact, waiting for someone to read your mind usually ends up producing frustration and connection disruption on both sides of a relationship. And, when you ask for what you need and the other person makes an intentional effort to meet your needs over time, they are communicating high value of you and the relationship.
You increase your chance of getting your needs met successfully in a relationship when you take time to understand your needs and tell the other person kindly and directly what works for you and what doesn’t. You increase your chances of successfully meeting the other person’s needs in a relationship when they communicate directly with you and you receive that communication with an open, curious attitude. Healthy, connected relationships are based on kind, direct communication about needs and desires, not on any person’s ability to predict the needs of the other.
So, if mind reading isn’t going to be helpful, how are you supposed to talk about your relationship needs and preferences?
6 Ways to Practice Asking for What You Need Directly
- Explore Your Needs. Notice what makes you feel safe, seen, valued, connected. Notice what feels hurtful or disconnecting to you. Notice your strengths and weaknesses and try approaching relationships with an awareness that everyone brings both good and hard parts of themselves. Learning how to identify what you need might be a more involved process and might be best supported with therapy if you have trouble knowing what you need.
- Introduce conversation about needs. Try saying, “I would like for both of us to understand how we can each meet one another’s needs in our relationship. Are you open to talking about that?”
- Communicate needs as you go by giving helpful feedback. “I feel really appreciated and cared for when you initiate plans and follow through.” “I feel disconnected and hurt when you say you’re going to do something and then don’t follow through.”
- Communicate clearly and vulnerably rather than passively or aggressively. Avoid statements like, “You never” or, “You don’t care how I feel.” Instead try describing the
- situation and how you experienced it. “When I initiate a conversation with you and you continue looking at your phone and don’t respond to me, I feel lonely and like what I’m trying to share is not important to you.”
- Once you have communicated a need, follow up about how it’s going. “I really appreciate the efforts you’re making to prioritize quality time together in our relationship.” “I communicated before that a need I have in our relationship is more quality time together. Since then, it feels to me like there isn’t much change in this area. This feels important to me and I’d like to understand what is getting in the way of that happening.”
- Ask the other person in the relationship how they are feeling about their needs in the relationship. “How can I show up for you in this relationship in ways that feel good and supportive to you?”
Direct communication applies to various types of relationships and sets up more success and connection on both sides. Be kind to yourself and others in the learning process. Relationship communication can feel complex and being more direct takes practice. If you feel internal resistance to being kind and direct, try being curious about your fears and hesitations and seek support for healing that might be needed. Connect with us for coaching and counseling along your journey at Journeybravely.com.
