By Stephenie Craig, Journey Bravely
Think of a time when someone hurt you. Maybe they did not show up for you when you needed them or they took their anger out on you. Maybe they said something mean or did something careless that made more work for you. Now, think about what you needed from them to feel restored to a place of connection in the relationship. Did you need them to acknowledge what happened, the role they played, and how it negatively impacted you? Did you need to hear that they cared about your feelings and would make an effort to change? Did you need an apology?
Apologizing is directly acknowledging with words intentional or unintentional hurt caused by your behavior and committing to make genuine efforts to reduce or eradicate the hurtful behavior in future interactions without blaming the other person. Good apologies include genuine remorse, clear taking of responsibility, acknowledgement of wrongdoing, validation of feelings, and do not make qualifications or excuses for the behavior. Genuine apologies differ from unnecessary apologizing about things that don’t warrant an apology like sneezing, asking for help, getting bumped into by someone, or saying no. Genuine apologies are not insincere or falling on the sword to avoid conflict. Genuine apologies are the acknowledgement of your real behavior that caused problems or hurt for another.
It’s often easier to notice times you need someone else to take responsibility for their hurtful behavior than it is to notice times you need to take responsibility for your hurtful behavior. Though important, genuine apologies are difficult for many people. About 1/4 of Americans surveyed found it difficult to offer a genuine apology. Close to 1/2 of Americans surveyed reported their apologies “rarely” or “sometimes” being genuine. Avoiding apologies reflects difficulty embracing your human fallibility. Despite your best efforts, you will hurt someone else whether you mean to or not. In light of this reality, you have an opportunity to embrace the emotionally mature skill of humble self evaluation. Try asking questions like: Is it possible I was accidentally hurtful even if my intentions were not hurtful? Can I give someone else the space to have an emotional experience that might be different from mine? Is insisting I am right more important than how the other person is experiencing me in the relationship?
Apologies can make or break a relationship. 1 in 5 people report having lost a relationship, because they refused to apologize. You can be self-righteous, “right,” and have disconnection in your relationships. Or, you can master genuine apologizing and experience deeper connection and higher self-awareness. I often say to my clients, “Don’t be stingy with genuine apology; instead sprinkle authentic apologies generously like sprinkles on ice cream.” Sprinkling genuine apologies helps marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, work relationships—all relationships. So, how do you improve at making genuine apologies?
Seven ways to Become Skilled at Sprinkling Genuine Apologies
- Listen humbly. When someone tells you your behavior has been hurtful or problematic, try listening to them. Give others space to have an emotional experience that does not match your intentions.
- Step away from defensiveness. Notice your urge to immediately interrupt, defend, or explain your intention and behavior. Instead, try reminding yourself that you will have time to clarify your intentions at a later moment if needed.
- Validate. Genuinely try to understand how the other person experienced your behavior. Use words that indicate you can see how they might have experienced your behavior differently than you intended. Validation is not agreement. It is making space for someone to have a valid, different experience from. your own.
- Reflect. Is it possible I was hurtful either intentionally or unintentionally? Is there some responsibility I need to take? Am I prioritizing being right over connection?
- Map your apology using the following template: I apologize for . I should not have done that. I can see that my behavior hurt you and your feelings matter to me. I will work on handling this differently in the future. An example might be, “I apologize for using mean words and taking my anger out on you. That wasn’t okay. I can understand why you felt hurt and our relationship is important to me. I will work on using more kindness and patience in the future.”
- Refrain from saying, “I’m sorry, but…” For example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but if you had listened to me the first 3 times I asked you, I would not have had to yell at you.” Try remembering that you are ultimately in charge of how you behave and respond. Blaming the other person for your poor response negates the apology.
- Change the behavior. Put effort into actually working on what you said you would do differently in the future. Apologies lose their effectiveness when hurtful behavior is repetitive without change.
While embracing the skill of genuine apologizing can feel uncomfortable, it is also very freeing to take responsibility for your behavior. No one needs to be perfect. However, we do all need connection. And, connection feels safer in the presence of authentic, heartfelt apology. Connect with us along your journey for counseling and coaching at Journeybravley.com.
