By Stephenie Craig
You know that feeling when it’s time to have a conversation about something important but you aren’t sure how to approach it? You feel the urgency to speak but your hands get sweaty, your chest gets tight, and you tell yourself it’s not really a big enough issue to discuss resulting in avoidance. Or, you feel anger bubbling up and you speak up with aggression, anger and intensity that turn the conversation in an unintended direction.
Avoiding important conversations may keep the peace in the short term, however, in the long-term avoidance creates unresolved tension, lack of change, feeling unseen, resentment and bitterness. Approaching important conversations with anger and aggression most often results in defensiveness, not being heard, escalation, alienation and seeing the other person as a villain. What if there was another way to talk about things that are important to you? What if there was a way to be calm, clear, direct, and curious, while also being heard?
7 Healthy Ways to Have Important Conversations
- Notice your emotional activation. When are you feeling upset, bothered or emotionally reactive? Notice big feelings, body tension, irritability, headaches, stomachaches, exhaustion, anxiety, depression.
- Regulate yourself. Use intentional calming skills to move your brain from emergency, overwhelmed mode to rational mode. Breathe slowly for 2 minutes, take a brief walk, journal, yell into your pillow, punch a punching bag, etc. Use coping skills that don’t hurt yourself, others, or property.
- Engage internal sorting. Notice if past emotion about previous situations/relationships is intermingled with the present. Determine the real issue in the present moment separate from other emotional situations.
- Own your part. Remember that while you may feel upset with someone, you are not a victim. You have power and self-control. You have a voice and it is healthy to use it. Notice when you are being defensive or making up negative stories in your head (we all make up negative stories that aren’t accurate). Determine and clarify what negative contribution you might be making to the situation at hand. Determine how you can communicate your willingness to take responsibility for your part.
- Reach for vulnerability instead of blame and finger pointing. Notice if you are feeling hurt, misunderstood, invalidated, rejected, afraid, unsupported, insecure, unappreciated, or unseen. Look underneath anger as vulnerable feelings often hide beneath.
- Outline your approach to the conversation. Start by asking the other person if they would be willing to take a few undistracted minutes to talk about something important to you. Then use “I” statements and feeling words to describe what is feeling difficult for you. Follow up by communicating a clear alternative that would feel better to you. “I feel hurt and dismissed when I tell you I am overwhelmed in parenting and you respond by telling me I just need to get more organized. What I’m really needing in those moments is some validation that parenting can be hard. I’m also needing to know you understand my feelings and can be curious about support I might be needing.”
- Practice your outline, then gather your courage or calm and initiate the conversation.
Remember to regulate yourself before and during the conversation with calm breathing. Your approach will influence the tone of the discussion. Also, try to listen to the other person with curiosity rather than defensiveness when they respond to your thoughts. The other person may or may not respond the way you are hoping. However, it feels empowering to know you handled your side of the conversation well. Practice is needed much more than perfection when it comes to learning new communication skills. Keep working at it consistently and it will become more natural. Connect with us along your journey for counseling at coaching at Journeybravely.com.
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